Little Lost Soldier Girl

2011-09-21T17:56:00.001-05:00

what happens to you after you write? not having given birth i know i'm speculating, but it's the closes thing that i can think of. you have something that is part of you, of you, literally coming out of you. the process of getting the words from you to the page is at times a struggle and other times they simply slip from you. and then they are something separate, an other. they are not yours anymore, not really. people read them and understand them in a different way than you may. when i come back to something i've written, especially something i've written for other people to read, i'm struck by this otherness of my writing. it feels so strange to read it and know that it came from me...

2011-09-20T16:13:00.002-05:00

there is something about putting up your own food that i find very appealing...

2011-09-07T21:21:00.001-05:00

i think i'd like to emigrate...

this evening we went to listen to a journalist/author who's been writing about the security megacomplex that's grown up since the events of 2001. by the end of the Q&A session, where the inevitable question of how to fix/change/do something was touched upon, my only thought was that government - perhaps even the country- is too big to really be changed. and there's nothing any of us can do about it. it's one thing to argue that you should stay in your neighborhood or community and work for the good there rather than picking up and leaving when times get hard. there the scale is such that if you stay you have a good chance of seeing something come to fruition. but when you change that scale from a few hundred people to hundreds of millions of people, the chances of your work coming to something seem so small...

2011-09-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

i've been feeling so weighted down by the sense of time's passage. my thought was that i was tired of being in the same place for more than a year or two. that i want a new job and new people and new surroundings - new different other-than-this. the repetition of week after week with no achievement or accomplishment, no undertaking complete, just another set of days crossed off the calendar and put behind me. i've never wanted to live like that. it seems so wasteful and empty. but perhaps what i am wanting is not be constantly moving on to the next thing, the new place. perhaps it really is to settle down and be in a place - to make it mine and myself it's. i'm tired of describing my life with the phrase "i don't know"...

2011-08-31T17:08:00.001-05:00

peep

so i'm throwing people around again; course that means that i'm getting thrown around too. it's pretty good. perfection of character sought through physical manifestations.

i'm also trying to nourish my scribbling itch...how does one nourish an itch? i think i'd like to send in a something for the next omnibus...i have a month exactly to get something from the backwards regions of thoughts to concrete form... i wonder if i'll make it.

2011-03-29T14:24:00.001-05:00

:D i smell like smoke.... good times... too bad i forgot the camera when i ran out of the house at 6.30 this morning.

2011-03-25T22:36:00.002-05:00

"what is science without philosophy?"

i've wondered the same thing many times...

just watched Steam Boy by Katsuhiro Otomo. very good, thought provoking - with little resolution in what seems to be the Japanese fashion.

2011-03-25T08:10:00.002-05:00

i remember sitting out on the balcony in college watching everyone inside talking and hanging out. i felt very much like Peter Pan listening to bedtime stories outside children's windows, wanting to share what they had, but knowing at some level that his choice of life prevented that from being possible. it wasn't that he regretted choosing as he did, but he could see the beauty of what the others had and felt sadness and loss at not being able to share it too.

that's how wandering around facebook makes me feel now...

2011-03-24T20:43:00.001-05:00

wow over a year...

life...

2010-03-10T19:35:00.001-06:00

blue sky fighting to
share the yellow sun's bright warmth
while wind and clouds prevail

lengthening days bear
the weight of increasing chill
with thought of the sun

2010-03-10T06:58:00.000-06:00

the air smells of green and growing things - it's wonderful

2010-01-14T21:29:00.000-06:00

+

Lawrence Silva DeRego
b. 9 April 1926
d. 13 January 2010

resquiat in pacem

2009-12-24T19:32:00.002-06:00

i found this to be a lovely reflection on the Nativity and wanted to share it...

my thanks to the Institute of Catholic Culture for the excerpt

2009-12-16T10:18:00.002-06:00

so how's this for holiday ridiculousness: i had to check three grocery stores before i found candied fruit! you know, the stuff you put in fruitcake...

store number one
me: do you know if you have candied fruit?
clerk: (blank look) ummm
me: you know, the stuff you put in fruitcake...
clerk: (brightening slightly) maybe check the baking department. (note: i'd already done this, but because of past experiences of asking for things that were right in front of my face, i went along with it) doesn't look like we have it here. i'll ask over in produce.
clerk 2: candied fruit? you mean something like this? (holds up container of dried fruit)
me: no, i'm looking for the stuff you put in fruitcake. it's covered in a syrupy stuff and comes in a clear plastic container.
clerk 2: oh, i know what you mean. if we have it, it would be over here. (leads way to displays of specially holiday stuffs) no, it doesn't look like we have it; if we had it, it would be out by now.
me: thanks anyway

store number two
me: do you know if you have candied fruit?
clerk: no we don't carry it.
me: thanks

store number three
me: do you know if you have candied fruit? the stuff you put in fruitcake?
clerk: oh, hmm. let me get someone from produce.
store pa: ---, please dial 521.

meanwhile i wander through produce and find a table tucked half way between produce and holiday baking with, lo and behold, candied fruit! and not just the basic mixed fruit i was looking for, but varieties of the gooey stuff. i was half tempted to pick up samples of all of them just so i could prove their existence. i contented myself with picking up one extra tub to save for next year. who knows where i'll be, or if i'll be able to find enough stores to check.

2009-12-05T21:44:00.000-06:00

i want to make lovely things

just wanted to put that out there...

2009-12-05T13:49:00.007-06:00

yesterday i wanted to share with you all that i'd seen a gent in shorts and sandals this morning walking his dog and point out that the temperature outside was a balmy 45*. at the time it seemed rather amusing, but has been rather preempted by today's weather: snow! great big fluffy clumps of it falling persistently out of the soft grey skies. it began around 10.30 this morning (it's now just about 3) and news of short trousered gents doesn't seem to measure up.

this morning at 10.30

this afternoon at around 2

such weather is rather condusive to indoor activities so i put together our advent wreath. we were traveling during the first Sunday of Advent and this is the first bit of free time that i've had since we got back. pictures of our Thanksgiving adventures are up here.

i think that it came out rather nicely. since i work through the supper hours we'll just have to say our Advent prayers after i get home...

2009-11-20T22:17:00.002-06:00

somehow despite doing practically nothing until well after three in the afternoon (and we didn't even sleep in all that late this morning... might have had something to do with the hour and a half catch up phone call with younger sis...) i still managed to get two loads of laundry washed and dried - though not yet folded, my herb jars filled, a very good supper made, a batch of sourdough bread proofing (hehe more on that later), and breakfast for the morning soaking (bread pudding using saved loaves of french baguette from the market and cultured buttermilk bartered from the lovely mrs. lee - mmmm, yum). i feel almost accomplished... and there are still 40 mins of today left! :)

i think i'll cuddle up next to my dear husband and watch the rest of Charlie Rose's interview with Thomas Friedman. very very interesting stuff.

2009-11-18T08:12:00.003-06:00

over the past week i've found myself lacking motivation in the mornings. i don't particularly want to do anything - even to the point of not eating... it's not that i'm particularly bluesy or down (though that happens too); i simply do not feel an urge to so this or that or the other thing. so i end up puttering around the house, half doing things - filling the water filler pitcher and then wandering off before i pour it into the kettle to make tea - beginning to sort laundry or clear off the kitchen table and stopping half way to wash up the dishes (those at least i can usually finish off...until i remember to eat something and make more dishes...).

i think it's because i don't have supper at home anymore. my new work schedule has me working closing shifts at the market so i'm there until at least 8pm most days a week. Geoffrey's home by 6-ish and, since he works 10hr days, i don't expect him to wait for me to eat ('sides which i usually eat while at work). before i started this job, my home life pretty much revolved around food: finding new recipes, getting what we needed from the store, making it in all of its various stages (basic cookery, fermenting, soaking, sprouting, baking) and most importantly, eating and sharing it with my husband. suppers weren't always fabulous (often we were both too tired to talk much), but they were important to me as a time to share with the man i love and rounded out and fulfilled all of the work and time that went into getting the food on the table. and now, since that time to eat together has been removed, the rest of the process doesn't seem as worthwhile. we did go and get a crock pot last week, so i can still have food prepared for my hard working man. but it somehow doesn't have the same appeal... granted i'm still getting used to this new schedule and figuring out how to fit home life around it, so this is likely to smooth out. but it is in a way surprising how much it's affecting me.

perhaps now that i've sat down and thought it out (i'd had inklings as to why this new arrangement was bothering me but hadn't quite worked it out) a bit more effort on my part to get on with the basics will supplement for my lack of motivation... so off with me to the grocery for milk.

housekeeping

2009-11-09T09:28:00.003-06:00

so i've finally done something different with the page... i put it off for a good long time but i think it now reflects my life a bit more... and maybe that will give a bit of extra incentive to scribble on it... we'll see

part of the reason that i have neglected it is that i don't really know what to use it for anymore... in the past it was my catharsis... and really the only length of time i regularly wrote was during a stretch when i needed catharsis... so what about now? it seems like the need to share stuff with the whole wide world has been pretty well filled by TFB... and the element of anonymity has at this point pretty much vanished (*waves* hi mom)... so what is the point now... i mean we're all busy right? work and home-life does a pretty good job of filling up the hours and minutes... do you still write? or have you relegated yourself to the number of observers? perhaps it was the desire to move from observer to do-er that was at the real root of my initial interest in scribbling to this electronic page... perhaps that same desire is drawing me on again... perhaps it will stick around for a bit again...

2009-08-31T09:09:00.002-05:00

so how does one go about changing one's maiden name when it was not changed on the marriage license? this has been bothering me for months now. you see, when we went to the county recorder's office to get our marriage license they had us sign it right there (which i thought was a bit odd at the time i'd always thought it was signed after the wedding, but i figured that i was just nervous and excited). when i asked how i should sign it, i was told to use my "legal name". now my legal name at the time was my maiden name (obviously) and all of my official documents (driver's license, passport, student visa, university registration, etc) had that name. since we were moving internationally in a matter of weeks, i was not about to change anything; but i wanted to be able to at some point in the future.
so i signed the marriage license with my legal name, my maiden name. and thought very little of it for the next year and a bit (except for when i had my passport stolen and needed to get it replaced...).
a few months ago my family was drawing up some legal documents and needed my legal name. my parents called and said that according to the lawyer, it was "whatever i'd put down on the marriage license". i was nearly shocked - i almost felt less married (which is completely silly)...

so now i'm stuck, i want to change my name to my husband's. but all of the instructions seem to imply that in order to do that with out going to court, i need to have signed the marriage license with the name i wanted to take. so now i don't know what to do...

2009-05-09T22:00:00.002-05:00

smoking is a bit like kissing a guy that you almost like, enjoyable enough while you are doing it but a little dissatisfying when you are finished...

2009-04-03T20:17:00.002-05:00

yay for new city!

yay for having an 'own home'!

yay for having space for my beloved to play musics!

yay for working jobs that don't keep us penned up in a stuffy office!

i've been pretty happy recently and hence have not had all that much to say... perhaps as i get more used to having something resembling a predictable schedule i'll have more time to talk to y'all....

2009-02-19T15:02:00.002-06:00

i'm debating which of two lines of thought to rant or ramble about...they are both related to our ongoing search for housing in the little white city and both are elements that we have encountered before. perhaps if i bring them out in something resembling a logical fashion (if i can manage to hold the thoughts together through all of my multi-tasking distractions) it will sound less like a rant and more like a protest.

the first is the world at large's dislike of couples. well, let me be more specific: (young and poor) married couples. don't believe me? just try to find a privately rented apartment or a room in a group house that will take you both. when we were looking for a place to live while in grad school last year "sorry no couples" came up in more listings and responses than i care to remember. i guess we expected something different this time around because we're back in the States. but even here a number of places replied to our inquiries saying they didn't want to take couples. those who were willing to take a couple wanted to increase the rent (one by$300!! there is no way even i could take long enough washing my hair to justify that). now i can understand wanting to cover extra utilities expenses or avoid overcrowding or unwanted drama; people like to have personal space and want peace when they come home. but if we weren't married and i just had my boyfriend show up one day with his few things for an indefinite stay or i were to gradually install myself at his place, chances are nothing would be said. there wouldn't be an increase in our share of the rent or utilities. if it were a group house, it might cross someone's mind that the situation is unfair to rest of the people living there, but nothing would be said. that would be rude and pass some sort of judgment on us and we can't have that. but if you want to do things legitimately (and morally) it's nigh impossible to find something reasonably priced.

the other element (factor? issue?) is one of space, or perhaps stuff. westerners have too much of everything - space, stuff, unnecessary things. they have great big houses in which to put all of their many many things. they are sold gizmos on tv to help organized their stuff so they can acquire more of it. and then they rent a unit at the nearby personal storage complex to keep all of the stuff that doesn't fit in their great big house in spite of all of their organizing and space-reducing gizmos. and this is what led to our current economic crisis - greed and envy. lots and lots of people wanting bigger houses and bigger and more expensive things. put everything on the charge card and paying the minimum balance is all that's required. let's everyone live way beyond our means and spend far more than we make! yippee!
thus people expect everyone to have lots of stuff and to want to acquire even more stuff. and if there are two of you that means double the amount of stuff. last year we were turned away several times because "the space isn't big enough for two people". now the room we lived in all last year was no more than 180sq feet, probably less; everything we owned while overseas fit into four suitcases and a couple of backpacks. even after picking everything we had in storage in various places around the country, it will all fit into the bed of a small pick-up truck. so i guess the root of my problem here is the assumption that everyone has lots of stuff and thus a moderately sized space is not big enough for two people.

2009-02-13T12:55:00.001-06:00

i heart pandora.... they just played this for me

Friday 13, lights go red, green, in a coffee shop
I'm giving you the look
While someone else
Is fingering your wallet in my pocketbook

It's a mean town but I don't care
Try and steal this
Can't steal happiness

2009-02-13T12:28:00.002-06:00

man, limbo sucks...

so i have a job waiting for me in the little white city. i just don't know when it starts, 'cause they want to check up on my past lives before they tell me.

2009-02-10T21:49:00.002-06:00

oi...

i ache. my legs ache and are doing that funny prickle thing that they do when i make them do something after doing little to nothing for a good long while. my beloved and i went for a bit of a walk around the neighbourhood this evening. the air had a slight chill and the breeze brought wrapped cool fingers around bits of exposed skin, so we walked briskly. by the time we were a few streets from home my legs were telling me that either i need to do this more often or stop expecting them to do much at all...

so we'll be going for another walk tomorrow evening...

2009-02-08T21:45:00.002-06:00

the evening has gotten late. i'm writing in the dining room on a borrowed computer hundreds of miles from the no-where i last wrote, thousands of miles from my old home, half a world away from where i've been observing the goings on of the country. the time has passed oddly for the last few months - quick and slow all at once. i commented that St. Paul's words from the readings at Mass a few weeks ago particularly struck me. at the time i was mainly thinking of post-election and inauguration reactions, mostly on the part of the "right". perhaps my time out of the country has influenced and changed my perspective, but i have found them to be rather overblown and boding little good. this piece from a popular Catholic site rather summed it up for me. the author observes that she has suddenly found herself living in a country that is foreign to her and that this change has seemingly happened overnight. she observes that

"The U.S. has unequivocally, unabashedly and electorally embraced a subjective reality where truth is changeable, depending upon how it can serve our pocketbooks and our uninformed consciences...So where does this leave aliens like me? Totally reliant upon God, and for many of us it will be the first time in our lives. I used to define myself as an American Catholic, but now I realize I am a Catholic in America. The nation I used to depend upon to accept my spiritual composition is gone. No longer does our citizenship agree that our laws are, and should be, based on Judeo-Christian concepts. No longer can a Christian assume his moral beliefs will be given fair representation or even toleration in the public forum."

two things bothered me about this article. the first was an underlying tone that seemed to say that if the other party had won the election the country's moral ground would be fundamentally different. considering the margin that they lost by perhaps one could make that argument. however i doubt that it would have signaled much of a difference; it would have simply taken longer to realize. my problem with this tone is that the author comes off sounding as though she was simply unaware of the actual current moral standing of the country. the author's tone seems to say, as long as the people in power were favorable to some of our positions things couldn't be that bad. perhaps if the moral quagmire had been noticed to the degree that it is being harped upon here the new administration would not have needed to be elected. in reality it was fully apparent, all one had to do was look around. instead, she is like someone just raising her head from out of the sand and realizing that the world she is living in is not what she thought it was.

the second was her presentation of Catholics' future course of action during this newly realized era. i did not have any difficulties with the actual substance of her suggestions. i actually found them to be quite good. my trouble with it was that there was little to no mention of the fact that this is how we as Catholics should have been living all along. again, if American Catholics had been living vibrantly Catholic lives perhaps the course of recent history would have been different. we as Catholics (and as responsible citizens) ought to have held the leaders whom we elected accountable to us as their constituents, demanding they truly represent us. rather we remained content with the scraps thrown to us in the corner we'd been backed into. a few pro-life bills here and there throughout the last 8 years; but that was essentially it. the whole of Catholic social teaching was what, condensed? prioritised? realistically approached? or just plain compromised? "give us just this and we'll be happy to help keep you in power" seems to have been the running theme of the "conservative" voting block throughout the whole of my politically conscious life. and the politicians took us all at our word; they gave us just that and then not very well. but nothing is said of this in the article; it's not even hinted at.

in summation, yes i agree that our country is moving into a new era and that it is not likely to be an easy one for Catholics. but frankly, this life is not supposed to be easy and if it is becoming so then it is time to re-examine how we are living in relation to the world around us.

2009-02-05T09:49:00.003-06:00

you know, train whistles do sound lonesome...

the train line runs right past our motel in the little junction town we rolled into at one in the morning. we'd not gotten as far as initially planned, but that was all right. the important thing was to get past the big city's influence on traffic and out of range of the weather system moving in off the coast. an open truck bed, piled high with boxes and suitcases, and rain do not mix...

2009-01-27T22:48:00.002-06:00

this sentiment has been kicking around in my head for the past few weeks and was put into words in the reading from Mass this past week:

"For the world in its present form is passing away." (I Corinthians 7:31)

i'll expand on the events inspiring soon...

2008-11-08T02:15:00.002-06:00

what is it about some events that sears them into your memory? they remain vivid and alive for years - feelings emotions scents sounds the way the light was falling the touch of the wind - all returning in an instant. where other memories, equally as precious, if not more so, seem to fade or only return with effort.

the wind is trying to fill the vast openness. it's cold, freezing; the snow falls steadily.

and remembering other times you've remembered, echoes of memories, making other events stand out not for their own sake but because of something entirely unconnected.

the air in this small room is still and warm, almost to the point of being stifling. the green of the trees outside the window seems almost unreal, because in my mind there is snow on the ground.

how? or perhaps more importantly, why?

2008-10-10T22:01:00.002-05:00

you know something, there are so many neat people out there. i'd love to meet them and say "let's be friends!" like little kids do...
i've spent the last, what hour and a half? (sheesh) wandering through random blogs. it started off with me looking for a chocolate chip cooking recipe that calls for raw sugar ('cause that's what i've got) and one page lead to another. it's a little like wandering from kitchen to kitchen, hearing snatches of conversation, then out to the back porch and through the living room, then on to the next one. just enough to give you the slightest feeling of connection and "you know, we probably like a lot of the same books" or something similar. then you get to the bottom of the page and have to decide whether to keep peering into their lives or to move onto something different...

*sigh*
...virtual reality...

2008-10-10T21:16:00.003-05:00

this vid was passed along to me, and i wanted to share it with ya'll. while i don't agree with catholicvote.org's (tacit?) endorsement of the gop candidates, the point they make with this video is a valid one. as catholics we have a duty to be active citizens and as americans that means voting.i'm interested in hearing what you think...

2008-10-07T17:10:00.002-05:00

cookery is my therapy... did you know that 8800something-ish words comes out to about 20 pages of writing? i turned in what was in my mind an obscenely long assignment for only being 40% of the grade by 1pm yesterday, which left me with a mostly-free afternoon.

so i made beef, barley and vegetable soup (inspired by this), green tea oatmeal sugar cookies (inspired by this), and nectarine sauce (from here). they all came out really well - next time i'll get my bh to take some photos...

it was a good afternoon.

2008-10-02T05:35:00.003-05:00

so last week while at the grocery i compulsively picked up three winter pears - they looked soo good. the thing was they weren't ripe yet...so i dropped them in a brown paper bag, tucked them in a safe out-of-the-way place and pretty much forgot about them. fast forward a week and the pears have gone past the nice juicy stage and into "i'm going to disintegrate in your hands when you pick me up" stage. which leaves you with only one thing to do: make sauce.

honeyed pear polenta
(yes i know i said sauce, trust me on this)

* very ripe pear
* water
* honey
* cinnamon
* cornmeal, coarse is probably better

depending on how ripe your pear is either chop into desired size pieces or scoop pear mush into small-ish pot. add some water, enough to cover the pear. add some honey, three or four spoonfuls. depends on how sweet your pears are and how sweet you want this to turn out. add corresponding amount of cinnamon. bring to a low boil and let simmer for a long while; stir often enough that it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pan. once the pear starts to break down, add some cornmeal, maybe three or four cupped handfuls. add more water and stir until the stuff stops spitting at you. add more water and repeat. add just a bit more water and let cook for a bit longer, again stirring to keep from sticking/burning. it should be pretty much done at this point. eat warm or cold.

2008-09-26T23:48:00.002-05:00

happiness is:
having your beloved home after a (very long) week.
seeing all of the pretty pictures he took while he was away.
actually wanting to cook again.

now if i could only get past these allergies...

2008-09-22T23:51:00.003-05:00

where does it go?
the muse i mean, the spark and fire that leaves the mind ablaze with words and thoughts and feelings that simply must take form, be embodied on a page, that little bit of something or other that allows you to put down and encase in black and white the passing nothings moving between the ears and eyes and causing an ache in the heart and soul, what socrates decided was from the gods...

my thoughts sound like so many dry leaves scraping across the ground, feel like empty husks...

*hmph*

do you need any more proof that i am young?

but it doesn't make the ache go away

2008-09-21T01:18:00.002-05:00

the sounds coming through the open window have taken on an evening/night time quality - a little quieter, but cleaner and clearer than sounds you hear during the day. thick looking clouds are quickly swallowing up the last bits of daylight still left in the sky. it's getting chilly.
and i'm by myself.

my bh left this morning for a week long field trip out on the furthest island in the gulf. you'd think that after spending the greater part of a year separated, six days would be simple. heh, not so much. the man comprises a large extent of my whole world, six hours apart from him is a long time. and i've been spoiled for the last few months, with the class schedule we have we're always together. which is lovely - who wouldn't want to spend all of their time with their best friend? i've been not-looking-forward to today for weeks.

*megh*

in other news, i'm feeling a bit less like one of these poor fellows. last week was pretty mis...er... intense. three assignments due, none of them something to be sneezed at. they were all handed in to their respective assigners without too much ado. it's nine days until the next one is due, so i suppose it's a good thing i can't shake the feeling that there is something i'm supposed to be working on or paying attention to. but it is rather distracting when you're trying to relax (ie read something fun) or forget that you have only yourself to cook for for the rest of the week...

the streetlights have come on, reflecting orange-yellow off the building across the carpark and casting grainy shadows on my one white wall. the twilight sky peers though breaks in the clouds, nearly seven and it's still a bit light out. is good - the winter's been long in leaving. daylight savings kicks in next week and i want all the extra light i can get before it starts getting dark in the mornings again. i guess i'll make myself some supper after the russians are done - it's really quite awkward weaving around a very small kitchen between two people speaking very animatedly in another language pointedly ignoring you...

2008-09-09T01:08:00.002-05:00

update: my brother is home and doing well. praise God.

thank you all who were praying for him. i know that it was thanks to all of the prayers and sacrifices being offered for him that he was able to return home so soon.

2008-09-04T03:34:00.002-05:00

please pray for my brother. he is in the hospital right now in stable but serious condition after loosing about 40% of his blood because of complications after surgery.

2008-09-03T22:32:00.002-05:00

i'm frustrated.

i finished the last book in the house this morning (well, my last book any ways; there are lots of random books left around the building in stacks, but most of them look to the be the sort i wouldn't read no matter how desperate i was). this leaves me with nothing to do but work on my paper. which i have been, slowly painfully. i don't understand why ideas and words seem so eager to run out of my head and onto the screen in neat rows when i'm looking at this screen, but immediately freeze when i open up a word screen. i wonder if i could trick myself into writing by putting it all here first... perhaps i should spare you all the boredom.
of course there are always blogs to read, but you can only check so many with the dribble of an internet connection we have at the moment before conscience catches up and scolds you back to doing what you/i am supposed to be doing.

i'm having a hard time synthesizing all of the material i've read for this paper - 15 odd journal articles. i have a general idea of what they say and arguments and what i want to take from them and vaguely what i want to do with it. but working out how all of it goes together in my paper is causing hang-up in my poor over/under caffeinated brain.

and it's a beautiful day outside; it seems that it's always a beautiful day when i most need to just stay put and not think about it.

so very frustrating...

2008-09-03T05:04:00.002-05:00

while doing some blog wandering (i've just discovered that authors have blogs too...and they unlike me post lots. i wonder what it would be like to be that verbally prolific? hmmm...)

oh yes, blog wandering, i found this gentleman who in turn lead me to this interesting article. and i thought we were the only ones for whom abortion was the be-all and end-all issue come election time.
guess i was wrong.

what does that say about our country?

2008-08-28T05:54:00.003-05:00

the current election season has been going on for a really long time. since i was living in DC (the city that eats, sleeps and...er, breathes politics) during summer last year, it felt as though it began even earlier than it did in the rest of the country. even moving to another country provided little respite from the election. people asked our opinions on the candidates and NPR's news programs ("forgive me father, for i am a yuppie...." i can't stand network tv news) gave ample air time to them as well. there has been no escaping it. so i've stopped trying and started thinking about the election, the issues (yes, that is plural, there is more than one issue at stake in this election) and the candidates (i must admit that i prefered thinking about them when there were more than two to pick from... it gave an albeit futile sense of hope that things could change from politics as usual).

the groundswell of support for Ron Paul made things interesting for a while. he brought up broader issues than just the pointless wars america is waging (and losing?) and the aging population's desire for cheaper drugs. issues like america's essentially hollow monetary system (try moving overseas on a tanking dollar. suddenly exchange rates and inflation take on a whole new dimension) and the gutting of our constitutional rights, liberties, and protections. but as the year progressed and the primaries passed one by one the field of candidates narrowed and that broad range of issues shrank back to it's now usual selection of the war on "terror" (or "who can we next attack to feed our all consuming need for oil"), health care (or "we want cheap drugs") , and the economy (or "help, i've bought more house than i could actually afford and now i can't pay for it").

and of course, the abortion issue. what is for so many people, The Issue, the be-all and end-all factor in their voting decision. no matter what else the candidate may support, as long as he falls on the right side of that issue, he's ok.

and i hate that fact.

don't get me wrong, the thought of abortion and related issues makes me sick (quite literally). it is an inherently evil action that is an attack on all of mankind's inherent dignity. i know this very well (i did write my thesis on the subject of man's inherent dignity you know...). but i resent essentially being backed into a moral corner regarding who i can vote for without falling into "grave sin". (i can just hear the neo-cons laughing: 'ha ha, we can do anything we want! as long as we give them this one thing, they HAVE to vote for us!)

i do realize that with out working to end abortion all of our other works for the benefit of our fellow man are undermined. but this does not, can not, give us licence to ignore other issues at stake in this election. there are three other sins crying to heaven for vengeance besides murder. justice for the poor and the defrauded working man are not going to come about just because the pro-life movement happened to win a few minor legislative battles (or even a few major ones).

people, wake up!

electing officials on a single issue means that they will be accountable to you on that one issue. this just is not good enough. yes, keep working faithfully on ending the horror of abortion; just don't sacrifice other equally important issues for its sake. keep in mind that politics is like marriage, you get the whole family. you're not just electing the candidate; you are also electing his advisors and policy makers and all those lobbyists that put him in office in the first place and are now owed favors. thinking otherwise is just beyond naive, it's just plain stupid. so go take a look at your candidate's policy advisors. pay attention to who has his ear (and more importantly, who is and was paying them).

i repeat: single issue politics is just not enough - not as citizens and not as catholics. and the only way that's going to change is if we make the people we put in office truly accountable to us.

2008-08-26T03:26:00.000-05:00

*sigh*

aaahhh, i think i'm in love...

*aghem*

um, right... yes i know: i'm married and very happily so. but you must understand that I have been in love with my books for far longer and that loyalty has not diminished in the least. friday i finshed reading sunshine by robin mckinley and i have been in a fink since. wanting something to fill the emptiness created by finishing a really good book (especially by one of your favorite authors)i did a little web-searching and found... drum roll please... her blog! and yes, she writes the same way there as she does in her books. it's wonderful!

2008-08-21T23:59:00.002-05:00

so here's a bit of a pet peeve of mine: talking on cell phones while indoors.

for example: the postgrad computer lab is right next door to the special master's study room/computer lab (at least i think that's what it is...i've never gone in so i don't really know). normally this is just fine, they come in to use the microwave and the billy (instant hot water thingumy). but they also come into talk on their cell phones, and that's what gets to me. it's bad enough that they are talking on their phones inside; but they are leaving their study area to come and make noise in ours. and they're loud.

*sigh*

i hope our internet gets back up to speed soon... i really don't like having to work here.

2008-08-13T04:08:00.003-05:00

heard while standing under the eaves of a building 50ft from the corner waiting for the light to change:

"it's only f*$@ing water!"

i walked up to the corner and waited there for the walk signal...

it's started raining again...

2008-08-03T05:54:00.001-05:00

something beautiful and wonderful that i thought i'd share with you

The Holy Father's Intentions for the month of August:

General Intention

Respect for Creation. That the human family may know how to respect God’s design for the world and thus become ever more aware of the great gift of God which Creation represents for us.

Pope Benedict XVI’s 2008 World Day of Peace message includes a profound meditation on the human family and the environment. “A family needs a home,” he wrote, and our home is the earth. Over many millennia the human family has obeyed the Creator’s commandment to “fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28), but too often with violence, greed, and waste. Our covenant with the environment should “mirror the creative love of God.”

The Holy Father emphasized that we are not to dominate, abuse, or exploit the earth. Instead we are responsible to protect and cultivate it for the good of the whole human family. We need to educate ourselves, he said, to achieve sustainable development and “solidarity with future generations.”

Through international agencies, we need to enter into responsible cooperation to “confront together the stewardship” of the earth, especially its energy resources. “The problems looming on the horizon are complex and time is short.”

The United States and other technologically advanced countries, said the Pope, face two pressing issues. First, we must reassess our high levels of consumption and the model of development that our consumption is based upon. Second, we must invest in the search for alternative sources of energy and greater energy efficiency.

The Holy Father spoke also to far-reaching economic and political concerns that are involved in our responsibility to care for the environment. “The emerging countries are hungry for energy, but at times this hunger is met in a way harmful to poor countries which, due to their insufficient infrastructures, including their technological infrastructures, are forced to undersell the energy resources they do possess. At times, their very political freedom is compromised by forms of protectorate or, in any case, by forms of conditioning which appear clearly humiliating.”

As we pray for growing respect for the environment throughout the world, let us also seek to enhance our own awareness of our environmental responsibilities.

Reflection

Global environmental problems touch each of us personally. How can you better understand and meet your responsibility for good stewardship of the earth’s resources?

Scripture

Genesis 2:15 The Lord God then took the man and settled him in the garden of Eden, to cultivate and care for it.

Mission Intention.

Call to holiness. That through discernment of gifts and commitment to spiritual formation, holiness may be promoted among the people of God.

Why in this month’s prayer intention for missions is Pope Benedict asking us to pray for holiness among God’s people? What does holiness have to do with missionary work?

In his message for World Youth Day last month, the Holy Father reminded young people that “we can never separate holiness from mission. Do not be afraid to become holy missionaries like Saint Francis Xavier who traveled through the Far East proclaiming the Good News until every ounce of his strength was used up, or like Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus who was a missionary even though she never left the Carmelite convent. Both of these are ‘Patrons of the Missions.’

“Be prepared to put your life on the line in order to enlighten the world with the truth of Christ; to respond with love to hatred and disregard for life; to proclaim the hope of the risen Christ in every corner of the earth.”

Nor is holiness for missionaries alone. Everyone in the Church is called to holiness, as Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification” (1 Thess. 4:3).

We are made holy by Baptism, but we must grow in the holiness we have received. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we must strive to put on mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, and all the fruits of the Spirit. Holy people, said the Pope, “follow the poor Christ, the humble and cross-bearing Christ, in order to be worthy of being sharers in His glory. Every person must walk unhesitatingly according to his own personal gifts and duties in the path of living faith, which arouses hope and works through charity.”

It comes down to walking in the holiness of love, for “God is Love” (1 John 4:16). We are given the Holy Spirit to help us strive each day to show love to each person we encounter, even to those who oppose us. We show our love this moment by praying for holiness among God’s people.

Reflection

Rather than focusing only on our sins, St. Ignatius Loyola suggests a positive way to help us grow in holiness. At the end of each day, recall specific ways God has used you today to show his love to others. How has God used you today?

Scripture

1 John 4: 7-8 Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.

Daily Offering Prayer

O Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I offer You my prayers, works, joys, and sufferings of this day in union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world. I offer them for all the intentions of Your Sacred Heart: the salvation of souls, reparation for sin, and the reunion of all Christians. I offer them for the intentions of our bishops and of all Apostles of Prayer, and in particular for those recommended by our Holy Father this month.

Prayer of the Month

Be praised, my Lord, through all your creatures, especially through my lord Brother Sun, who brings the day; and you give light through him. And he is beautiful and radiant in all his splendor! Of you, Most High, he bears the likeness.

Be praised, my Lord, through Sister Moon and the stars; in the heavens you have made them, precious and beautiful.

Be praised, my Lord, through Brothers Wind and Air, and clouds and storms, and all the weather, through which you give your creatures sustenance.

Be praised, My Lord, through Sister Water; she is very useful, and humble, and precious, and pure.

Be praised, my Lord, through Brother Fire, through whom you brighten the night. He is beautiful and cheerful, and powerful and strong.

Be praised, my Lord, through our sister Mother Earth, who feeds us and rules us, and produces various fruits with colored flowers and herbs.

From St. Francis of Assisi’s Canticle of the Sun

2008-07-30T18:21:00.000-05:00

these guys look really cool!

2008-07-30T18:06:00.002-05:00

in recent months my casual own-kitchen interest in food stuffs has expanded. i can easily spend hours looking at recipes, reading about food in cookbooks and online, thinking about things to try or experiment with and most of all how to be able to afford it. it's got to the point that my bhg (beloved husband geoffrey) has teasingly said that i should really be planning to become a chef rather than doing environmental stuff (though i think there are easily ways to combine the two...). i actually took a look at some cooking schools back in the states and thought about it a bit...until i looked at tuition fees. that put a damper on things, as did the thought of the high strees levels usually found in resturant kitchens...
nope, if i'm gonna cook, i'll have to figure it out by myself. but no worries, i'm more than happy messing around in the kitchen on my own time. but i'd like to share with you. now whether that takes the form of pics, or recipes or (what's most likely) links to places i think look fun, i've not yet figured out. we'll see where the muse leads...

2008-07-15T20:01:00.002-05:00

last week i developed an whole new level of respect for those who engage in the art of cookery as a profession. i filled in full time for the chef at work while she was on holiday last week. she'd prep'd the "important" meals before the dumped them into the deep freeze so i didn't have worry about getting those right (or messing them up too badly). so in addition to my regular duties of stocking the break rooms on three floors i took care of baking and making sandwich lunches.

simple right?

i finished every day with my back aching and by the end of the week my whole body was sore. i've done 12 miles of hiking with fewer aches at the end. from 6.45am (when i left for work) until 5pm (when i got home) i found myself on my feet and needing to do something. whether it was washing dishes, or making a batch of scones for a last minute morning tea, or making sandwiches, or chopping fruit. there just doesn't seem to be time to sit down. even breakfast and lunch are eaten standing up so that recipes can be read over or the oven can be set or stove turned on.
all in all, the week went off well. everyone got fed and nothing disasterous happened. i think my favorite happening of the week was discovering a youghurt pound cake recipe on this site. i served it with a fresh kiwi sauce. it was very good.

i have been very happy to leave work after my two hours this week though. making a batch of lemon curd is enough excitement for me...

2008-07-04T23:00:00.002-05:00

my beloved has returned to our bed, curled as much as a 6'2" frame will allow. the day has been chill, precipitation of various forms keeping us indoors. every break in the clouds gave rise to a modified plan to go out and hunt items on our short list of things of homey things.
when we finished breaking our evening fast we'd planned to go find a fan and a tuner and perhaps some fish for supper. but then it started to rain.
about an hour later the sun broke through and we said we'd go out to get the tuner and something for supper. but then it started to rain, again.
so i read and Geoffrey played with pictures. the album finished we looked out the window, only to see the sky darker than it's been all day. and it is raining, drips pattering against the pane and windscreen hidden behind the curtain that is keeping out some of the cold wind blowing up from the motorway.
oh well. Geoffrey has lots of new pictures up from my family's brief visit. be sure to take a look.

i wonder what i can put together for supper if we don't go out...

2008-06-21T06:04:00.000-05:00

ok so i'm a geek - but this is cool!

2008-06-15T04:59:00.002-05:00

every now and again the homilies at mass will leave me a little bit confused. now most of the time they are simplistic, clichéd, and somewhat juvenile and this week fulfilled that criteria and then some. today's gospel was the naming of the twelve apostles and asking for laborers for the harvest. with the old testament and epistle there is quite a lot to work with, even to produce simplistic etc. but father started off saying that they gospel presents the apostles as being afraid and confused. father went on to say that we don't know much about the lives and characters of the apostles, except perhaps for peter, and that this was rather fitting because all of us are likely to be forgotten by history in time but that God will never forget us because we are His precious children. im afraid that i tuned out for most of the remainder of the homily (i'm sorry but hearing drivel week after week has that effect on one), but the phrases "God's precious children" "on eagle's wings" "each by name" did come up over and over again. i do remember the supposed distress on the part of the apostles not being cleared up. hence the confusion, on my part, remained.
i'd always thought that it was the crowds that were lost and astray like sheep (He does say to go to the lost sheep of Israel) and that the apostles are being sent to shepherd them so that they will no longer be lost and afraid. further, the traditions of the church tell us quite a bit about the lives and characters of the apostles and many other saints. in fact the church makes a point of recording the lives of the saints so that they won't be lost and so that we, the rest of the church, have visible examples of how to live out the gospel.

*sigh*

perhaps father simply mis-spoke and meant to say "crowds" at the beginning of his homily...

2008-06-13T01:53:00.002-05:00

florescent lights and the hum of many computers... now why does this sound familiar?

our internet at home is dead so until it's resurrected i get to hang out at school in one of the various computer labs. fortunately since it's friday night, the place is relatively empty and quiet. undergrads make so much noise...

i went shopping to day, a mixture of clothes and errand type stuff. my cycling of two pairs pants for five days of work has been working but only just. there are a number of second hand shops scattered around so i headed toward's k rd after work this morning. two of the recycled clothes shops there have $20 caps on prices which just fits my budget. a little sifting through p'leather pants and paint-on jeans yielded up a decent pair of serviceable black pants that will do for both work and play. however neither had any shoes that would do so that hunt had to continue. you see, i throughly wore out my pair of black flats and have been using my boots most days for work. but they don't do so well for all of the walking i have to do getting to and from work. i've been in and out of shoe stores for the last couple of weeks, unwilling to spend nearly a week's pay on shoes, however my second hand shops were leaving me with little choice. as i headed home i resolved again to just pay the exorbitant prices and call it an "investment". my last call was to another op-shop, a church run basement store up and around the corner from us. they've been a good source for kitchen-type stuffs and i've been needing a mixing bowl. wandering into the dim underground room, i decided to look at the shoe offerings in the back, you know just in case. too small... too high... hmm this would work... nope too small.... last one. hey, it fits. now are they comfortable? seem so... and they're cheap too... sweet! and what to you know, a mixing bowl!

three out of three: must be my lucky day...

i'm such a girl sometimes...

2008-06-02T04:46:00.003-05:00

for three months now we've been living in a narrow room, perhaps 3m by 6 m, in a converted office building next to the mortorway. we have one window that looks out into the carpark. the side of the building to our left has been converted into a great billboard that has been covered with three different adverts: the first was innocuous (milk), the second offensive (tv show - don't ask), and the current one is ...mmm, colorful (petrol). across the carpark and beyond to the left are old brick buildings. the farther ones simply make for interesting lines, chimneys, false fronts detailing that is left out of most modern buildings. but the one directly across from us is someone's loft apartment. they have many windows and a balcony; the front door is grey painted planks a high step above the slanting pavement. during the days the lady hangs out her laundry and it blows in the wind that is always coming up from the direction of the sea. the sea, or more properly, the gulf lies out to the right, both to the west and east. you have to stand on the end of the bed and lean against the wall and nearly press your face up against the glass to get a good view, but you can see it. away to the east are islands and the far curve of the mainland. it has to be a clear day to see very far. some days the gulf is filled with sails, bits of small white hardly moving. they look like bits of torn paper thrown up into the wind and coming down in whatever fashion the sprite chooses. the near island is a volcanic cone, covered in greens that change according to the light. on bright days it is a verdant green, bespeaking much life and growth, beckoning the city-worn to come and rest in the quietude. on days that are dim with clouds or mists or rain, it becomes sullen and foreboding, reminding one that it is after all still an active volcano, merely resting between fits of activity. far out in the distance, over the greyness of the water are greater islands. the mountain range can be seen on days that are not too hazy. they seem like entirely other worlds from our little room, so far away and beyond us. the center of the city lies in the middle distance, dominated by tall buildings and towers. here and there gaps can be identified as relics of the old city or bits of reserve greenery.

i didn't like it much at first. it's small and finding places to put things so they would be "away" was a challenge. the wireless signal, while legal and on the up-and-up, is patchy at best and subject to frequent bouts of mind numbing slowness or vanishes all together. we have to share a narrow kitchen fitted out with ill-tempered electric burners (more than half of which at the moment do not work - that makes for 13 people trying to cook on three burners!) and not very good pots and pans. it took some time to get a feel for other's cooking schedules and routines. S. cooks only rice and something based on kim chee. A. stir fries copious amounts of vegetables every couple of nights. K., the resident 'artist', bakes on most nights - a mix of chicken and vegetables coated with a sweet chili sauce. we weave our way around them, making do with as few pans and burners and counter space as possible. but gradually somehow it's grown on me. the near constant chatter of voices in the lounge in the early evening while not always pleasant, is more friendly than the motorway. cooking supper often combines conversation with people whose only other contact with america has been through tv and movies. watching our neighbours across the court coming and going though the day. i've developed a fondness for our neighbours particularly the lady. she has hair of a lovely silver white and nearly always wears a skirt, knee length, with high socks and a layers of sweaters. she will sit out on the balcony at a small table brought out specially for sitting in the sun; she will read for hours, drinking coffee (it must be coffee, that's all people drink here). as the sunlight become warmer, she'll gradually unlayer like a flower shaking off dew. first her hat and scarf, then outer sweater. what view out the window that is not taken up with buildings is filled with sky. the city is nicknamed 'sky city', whether for the tower that dominates the skyline or for the sky itself. it is the most dynamic sky that i have yet lived under. being so close to the sea it is never cloudless. they pile up high creating fantastic cities, full of towers and hills in mimicry of the one below. the winds are constantly in motion, often sweeping roughly across this narrow strip of land, surprised to be running into something so foreign on their journey across the wide ocean. they hurry the clouds along with little care for their elaborate configurations. sunlight and shadow, rain and brightness follow so quickly one on the other that at times it will be raining through the bright sunlight and blue skies.

still it is not an ideal place by any measure. we frequently talk of finding somewhere new but assignments will pile up or the internet will die for days and we become distracted. well yesterday while the wireless signal was momentarily alive we went looking. this time something came up, something that was less than where we are now and they weren't put off right from the outset because there were two of us. the evening twilight saw us squelching through the mud of the cricket pitch and rugby field taking a short cut through the domain. the place was beautiful;
third level over looking the trees and sweep of grass we'd just walked across. windows facing east and north; open kitchen with gas stove and granite countertops; drawers and cupboards to spare; a real bathroom with shower and tub; bedroom and closet; and to cap it off, a study. by the time we'd walked home we'd decided that we could afford whatever up front costs there would be to move in. the day was spent with a vague anxiousness and frequent glancing at the phone to make sure that i'd not missed a call. i found myself thinking almost nostalgically about our flatmates here, wondering if we'd somehow run into them after we were gone. as hour after hour passed without hearing anything, we grew less and less confident. by the time the call actually came it was not much of a disappointment.
"we've decided that we really don't have enough room for a couple. good luck with your searching." (having personally packed nearly all of my current possessions into two suitcases i personally found the statement somewhat bemusing. but such preconceptions are part of life.)

as i said, i've become used to living here, almost to like it and think of it as a home of sorts. but then the wireless signal dies, or have to wade through the puddle left in protest by the water spirit (i still haven't figured out how to appease him), or walk into the kitchen to find it a near disaster zone and i can't help but think that for what we're paying we shouldn't have to wade through puddles or clean up after other people. so i'm left not knowing quite what to do, not wanting to give into that part of me that says i'm too good for this place, that i deserve better. i tell that part of me to stop being such an over privileged american and that if its enough for the others who live here then its enough for me. i don't want to be like most of the other americans i've met down here, supported by someone else's money. i guess that leaves us in our 3m x 6m room for the time being.

2008-05-30T04:11:00.002-05:00

"coming...

coming..."

how many of you remember the old disney cartoon robin hood? the one with the foxes and rabbits and bears and other "forest" type creatures. i loved the movie growing up (and still do for that matter) and some of my earliest memories are wanting to be like robin hood and live out in the forest until i was very old. ...being a fabulous shot with a bow was not too bad either, but that's going to take a bit more work.

anyway, at the big archery tourney, sir hiss gets himself stuck in a barrel of wine. prince john comes looking for him after the big hullabaloo involving lady kluck becoming the worlds greatest linebacker (i actually think my love of american football stems from this one scene). "hiss! hiss! you're never around when i need you!" hiss replies in a high sing-song voice: "coming...coming..."

the scene replays itself in my mind when ever anyone is looking for me or when something is expected of me...
needless to say tales of our adventures are coming

2008-05-22T21:33:00.005-05:00

(my apologies for the delay; excuses of class work will only work for so long)

Part the first: adventure has a way slipping into your blood and breathing, shading the way you see the world

standing in the chill darkness, my still damp suit was miserable to put on; i could feel the goosebumps rising all over my body. down the steep embankment i could hear the water of the stream rushing by and voices of the rest of the group rising up with the steam from the water. the motorway was almost out of earshot, the sound of an occasional passing car or truck filtering though the trees and bush. i slipped my shoes back on and tried to slip though the brambles reaching out over the small track without getting myself caught on the barbs.

"i was hoping to just head into town and find supper and then go home" my beloved whispered.
"i know, but this should be good. com'on, do you really want to pass up a hotpool in the middle of the bush?"

slipping into the warm water of the stream was a relief after the growing chillness of the air. as i sank to the gravely bottom i thought back over the last few days.

the drive south was somewhat mind bending. coming from the northern hemisphere we're accustomed to associating "cold" with going further north; whereas here in the antipodes its the opposite. it seems like a simple enough idea to wrap your head around...

the late afternoon sunlight was fading as we pulled over at on the edge of a small town. there was steam rising everywhere, from small clumps of bush and little piles of rock. looking closer one could see fenced off enclosures scattered around ostensibly to prevented wanderers from straying too close to cracks in the rocky ground or pools of hot mud. driving a short while longer down the highway and then down a few deserted byways lead us to an even more impressive display of geothermal activity. a bubbling, spouting pool of mud lay before us. around the edges mounds had built up, miniature volcanoes sides flowing with years' accumulation of spattering. it was fascinating to watch and even more to listen to. it burbled and spat, sounding for all the world like grumpy old men arguing about detailed matters only they could see as important. the nearly full moon shown down though the rising steam, reflecting back from wavering pools that danced as they were disturbed and speckled by falling drops of mud. the growing chillness of the air hurried us back to the car the promise of a soak in a hotpool more alluring than further observation of bubbling mud.

the heated falls was a long walk down a closed road. the air was weighted and still, no birds or insects could be heard, just our voices and the sound of our footfalls on the rough pavement. you could hear the falls a good ways before the turn off into the bush. a quick change and some groping in the dark and then the slow immersion into hot water. steam rose, was caught in the tree branches and fell back in fat drops. the waxing moon slowly rose, moonbeams breaking through the dense bracken and seeming to solidify in the misty air. but for wanting supper i could have willingly stay in the pool all night.

the chill evening had given way to a cold night; the damp cold that works its way between the fibers of your clothes and then settles down for the night. we were camping near another waterfall, this one not heated. it's voice could be heard around the small embankment, the stream moving off into the darkness. we set up our borrowed tent as quickly as we could and curled up for the night.

2008-05-15T19:15:00.003-05:00

a few of you have asked me if we've had any adventures here in the antipodes yet. i've had to tell them no, which is kind of disappointing. i suppose there are the daily domesticated adventures (such as the frowning of the kitchen gods upon me resulting in two successive cooking disasters) and the random odd or beautiful thing that catches (for example, the thick layer of soap suds on the central fountain in the park across from the university), but no real adventures. this might be in part due to the fact that we are both working and studying to the point that we can't remember what day it is, or the fact that we haven't been able to leave the city.

however we've thrown care and responsibility to the wind (which maintains quite a presence here so it wasn't that difficult once we decided to do it) and are taking the weekend off. the whole weekend. starting in about an hour. i'd give you a run down of our general itinerary but i'm not too clear on it myself. we're headed south toward mountains and forests and lakes and hotsprings and generally cooler weather. i should return with tales of conversations and waterfalls and hours of tramping. and Beloved should have some amazing photographs to share.

so adventure is on it's way...

2008-05-08T01:57:00.002-05:00

could those of you who still remember Kant comment on the idea of academics (ie those in academia) as "knowledge producers"?
the phrase was brought up at the university and strikes me as being both arrogant and erroneous. it's wrong even without going into the process of coming to know. knowledge is something other than information. information can be made and produced, stored and passed around. but knowledge is what's inside of you after you've assimilated that information.

2008-05-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

we the rich are all one with the dead
one day - perhaps even soon
we who now tread so heavily
will join them in the silent sleep
beneath the earth
exchanging the sunlight both sweet and harsh
and the touch of the wind upon the cheek
for crumbling stone and dry earth
and what will remain to mark our sojourn?

the lives of countless others
nameless faceless distant
kept broken and poor to fill our desires
they too will die - be laid in the ground
to enjoy perhaps the first rest
they have ever known

the tawdry signs and boards displaying
our valuing of life and love
a theme of lust and greed
appealing to senses already deadened
and appetites brought low through a surfeit of plenty

what call have I to mourn for us?
we take from life what we will
the self all important
and consummately empty
perhaps it is that emptiness that brings sorrow
the loss of so much that could be
and never comes before the sleep
beneath the head of stone

2008-05-02T23:30:00.002-05:00

reflection from class last week

the train comes by
filling the window space
with rush and rattle
drawing my attention
down the tracks - away - away
clatter clack clatter clack
bringing an unheeded freight
of silence in its wake
leaving the mind to wonder
of the where's and who's
coming and going in so
passing a fashion

2008-05-01T22:27:00.003-05:00

seems like i should write something today but i forgot the exercise book with my scribbles from this past week and don't feel up to recreating them off the top of my head... there's more poetry coming it'll just be a bit...

2008-04-24T17:46:00.003-05:00

They shall grow not old,
As we that are left grow old,
Age shall not weary them,
Nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun,
And in the morning
We will remember them. Lest we Forget

it's Anzac day today, a memorial of the landing of the ANZAC troops at Gallipoli. last friday there were tables set-up all over town selling poppies and people have been wearing them all week. there were dawn services at the war museum and memorial services all over the city. it's a national public holiday and people seem to be glad of the three day week-end but there seems to be more of a general consciousness of the reason for the memorial. the papers here have been filled with war stories; the library had books about Gallipoli and the Anzacs; signs around that say "we will remember them, lest we forget." all in all a distinct lack of commercialization about the whole thing - no sales for the week-end, no big movie releases. all so very different from our memorial day.

May their souls and all the souls of the faithful departed rest in peace.

2008-04-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

i love the way the rain
melts away the edges
of the distant hills
green greys made soft
kissed by a morning
bow

2008-04-21T20:17:00.002-05:00

today i saw a lovely red porsche with a bike rack (and a bike on the bike rack) on the back... it made me smile.

i've spent the majority of the last couple of days going through the company "induction" - ie standard training for incoming staff. it's been a rather odd experience, since i'm just the cleaning girl and kitchen help. at every other job i've worked it's pretty much been a case of getting dumped into the deep end of the pool and being told 'now swim - quickly.' it's what i've always thought should happen when starting a new job, actually telling people about forms, styles and standards for documents, giving a run though on how the email system works, how to file documents and then search for them, generally trying to make everyone who comes in feel as though they were part of the company community. And yet i almost feel myself resisting or vaguely resenting it. perhaps it's because i am "just the cleaning girl" and i don't see the majority of this applying to me. on the whole it's very interesting to see my reaction to the whole process.

2008-04-17T00:03:00.002-05:00

when doing research for an academic type paper, when do you know you've done enough? i'm at the point where i'm re-reading articles that i somehow printed off twice without realizing it - and i'm not picking up that i've already read the whole bloody thing 'til i get close to a third of the way though...

sigh

i think i just don't want to start writing...

first day of work today. oh, yes - i've managed to get a job. it actually came through the other day in the late afternoon. i had a day to go and find suitable 'office' type clothes on a very limited budget. fortunately there is a decent secondhand shop just up the road that will yield up some very decent goods if one just sifts though it long enough. so i'm officially the new 'catering assistant' at a rather swank law firm on the harbor-side edge of downtown. in reality i'm the cleaning girl who takes apart the coffee machine, makes sure nothing is growing in the refrigerator, wipes down the counters and tops off the milk and biscuits every morning. i may get to do some baking and cookery type things, but i think my main function will be to clean... but we'll see how things progress.

2008-04-14T17:26:00.002-05:00

our internet connection is freaking out.

i was listening to concert radio NZ but decided i'd had enough classical music for the morning (as it was fueling my desire to curl up with tea and read novel) and thought i'd switch over to wxpn out of philly.
now the internet has been slow all morning - pages taking longer than usual to load, radio coming in and out, but playing nonetheless. so i find station page, link to live streaming, load it into winamp and wait. and wait. now it become a test of wills. its been 'buffering' for the last 5 mins now reading 0% 20% 50% 80% 0% over and over and over.

i give up. 'net: 1 me: 0

i don't know what the deal is. the building is practically deserted during the day. who is choking up all of the bandwidth???

2008-04-14T16:31:00.002-05:00

the rain drops run down the pane and i fear me the wind is blowing them in onto the window sill as well, in spite of the mostly closed window. my little basil plant in its over stuffed wee pot will get very little sunlight today. the wind makes our small room rather drafty and chill, but without the cracked window it is unpleasantly stuffy. the cars are backing up along the mortorway - it seems drivers do know how to drive cautiously, it just takes a spell of nasty weather to bring it out.

i have thus far spent the morning tucked away with my book, watching the window out of the corner of my eye to judge the time. but the clouds are thick and low - touching the tops of some of the higher buildings in the downtown and entirely hiding the tower (a word about the tower: picture the lower half an inverted Cloud City and you've about got it) - preventing me from being able to judge the light very well. so now the morning is nearly gone and i am no more inclined to turn from my book than i was a few hours ago. it still looks like it did at 7.30, why should i be wanting to be productive?
answer: because i've a term paper to produce in two an a half weeks time...

ah, i have news: my class schedule has taken yet another potential job from me. perhaps i will elaborate the subtle intricacies of my class schedule as laid out by this institution of higher education. but not now. i am disappointed - i actually wanted this one. a bookstore, even though located in a mall, is still a bookstore.

c'est la vie

2008-04-07T02:58:00.003-05:00

what word describes the sound of air pouring fourth from a vent? one of those square ones you see in drop ceilings across the westernized world. "rushing"? "discharge"? "effusion"?
coupled with the tapping clatter of keys and the occasional bit of objuration coming from the disgruntled ESRI crafters it re-enforces the weighted silence of the grad student lounge.

what am i doing here?

i am "researching" for my next paper. this one is about farming subsidies. i will readily admit that i am feeling a distinct lack of enthusiasm for the topic. the propositions for my proposal are dull and lifeless; i wrote them because i had to but i don't know if they will actually lead to anything worthwhile, much less 4000-5000 words worth of something... objectively i am pretty sure that they are actually ok (i think, this could be wishful thinking though). but i, the researcher and scribbler of words, am finding nothing in what i wrote that is leading me to further thought on what more to write...

what am i doing here?

i don't want to be an academic. an inveterate scribbler of words out of touch with the world and reality who takes other papers and makes new ones to feed the endless cycle of journals and digests while feeding the ego with thoughts of informing those who form the minds of the masses... a scholar perhaps, learned, well-read, conversant, trained in the lore and practice of my immediate field and those related. but an academic?

2008-04-06T19:06:00.002-05:00

one of the first things i was told about auckland and nz in general was that there are more cafes and coffee-type shops per capita than any where else in the world. now whether or not this is (f)actually true there are certainly a whole heck of a lot of them. no street is complete without at least two per block. add to this that every other cafe seems to also be a licensed bar and you have a rather interesting dynamic set up for job hunting...

"do you know how to make coffee*?"
"no, but i learn really quickly"
"do you know how to work behind a bar?"
"no..."
"well, i'm looking for someone who is already trained, but if no one comes up i'll be sure to get back to you"
"ok, sounds great. thanks for your time"

if you don't know how to make coffee* (*espresso, et al - they don't do drip coffee here) or how to pour drinks, you and your cv can go to the back of the line. and the idea of training is almost unheard of - if you don't already know what you are doing you are wasting their time.

back to the drawing board; there has to be something i can do in this soddering city...

2008-04-04T06:15:00.003-05:00

*sigh*

i was saving up little things all week to share and now they are gone...

*sing-song*
all gone...

there was something about rain in the city - how it sticks and is messy and dirty - how natural bits that we take for granted in other towns, wind, rain, tree lined streets, all seem rather lost and distracted in this city - as if they are still trying to figure out why there are tall ugly buildings and mazes of pavement blending roads and sidewalks and alleys where there was forest and streams for so very long - how wind and rain are very old and have very long memories and become used to change so very slowly with much confusion in the between times

but i've forgotten it... i was not feeling so well for most of this week; but i'm better now.

in other news i turned in my first graduate paper today. "where does the answer lie? population control and the disjunction between the arguments" my thanks to em for her help in finding resources. i'll see about putting up a link to it somewheres abouts if anyone is interested (or perhaps even if there isn't any interest...)

signing off...

2008-03-28T20:18:00.002-05:00

"that must be a weird feeling"
"what?"
"hearing something and not knowing whether it's yours or something you heard"
"yeah, it is. it is really kinda frustrating because people ask you stuff like that and you don't know if it is yours or someone else's. and I don't know where it comes from"

by now it is very much something he wrote or was inspired to play. the riff that he was playing has had about a dozen variations and is morphing into something else even as i'm trying to capture a description of it on screen.

dog gone flighty music bug-
come

back

here...

you know, i think plato was right about inspiration. it is something from the gods.

2008-03-26T02:31:00.002-05:00

why is it that people don't talk to each other in elevators? it's a long way down from the 25th floor to the 1st floor and the whole way down none of us said a word... it's very peculiar.

ah, what was i doing up on the 25th floor? well, i was interviewing for a job. i think it went well - i was able to intelligently answer all of their questions (well, except for the bit about what exactly the company does, but i don't think that hurt too much). much more damaging is my weird class schedule that has me in class all day for four days in a row and thus unable to go to work. that is not so good.... really not very marketable no matter what spin you put on it. but i'll hear about it in a day or two.
...
perhaps i should return to the drawing board sooner. i really need to find myself a job - or we really won't see anything of this country than this overgrown suburban sprawl.

2008-03-22T20:35:00.002-05:00

a friend of mine asked me a bit ago in an email if married life was heavenly. i'm going to continue my tradition of cheating on posts and use some of the letter i wrote to her...

In all honesty, married life very much not heavenly... and I mean that in the best possible way. It is very earthy, and gritty and right now rather monetarily poor. There is quite a lot of making due and being very frugal (giving up alcohol for lent was very good for that... and hopefully I'll have a job in the next week or two and we'll be able to afford to drink again... :) But it is wonderful. There is a lot of adjusting to do - mostly of things you'd never think you'd have to adjust to: like not seeing him for however many hours of the day, or where he decides to leave his shoes and socks when he gets home or how he eats his soup (which somehow you'd never noticed when you cooked for him before...) He is more fully your best friend and closest companion... He gets to kiss you more and snuggling is a must both morning and evening. (I would have to say that part is pretty close to heavenly...) All in all, I am happy and would not trade my life right now with that of a king. (though being able to get out of the city would be very nice...)

2008-03-18T17:25:00.002-05:00

there is a water spirit residing in our building - a very unhappy water spirit. he can generally be found lying on the floor along the hall between the kitchen and the showers. he spreads himself across the entire width of the already narrow hall forcing anyone wishing to pass from one room to the other to either leap across or wander around with wet socks. i know he is unhappy, anyone (or thing, as the case maybe) soppy enough to get in the way of someone heading to the toilet or shower must be unhappy. on particularly warm days he wanders off to visit his kin down in the harbour. but he is almost always back in the evenings, reaching out toward the kitchen, following the contours in the uneven floor.

lesson: people really need to be more careful while in the shower

2008-03-12T13:52:00.003-05:00

This little dude was on the ferry back from Tiritiri with us. He was pretty excited about being on a boat and I don't think he sat still for two minutes put together the whole trip back.

Little kids are cool...

2008-03-12T03:23:00.002-05:00

I went on a field trip today for the Environmental Processes class (or "paper," as they call it here) I'm taking. We went out to a science preserve called Tiritiri Matangi Island (link is to map - here is link to the 'friend's of' website). The place is amazing. Twenty years ago it was practically bare having been grazed by cattle and sheep for over 100 years. The native bush (forest) and birds were practically gone. Through much persistence by two of my professors and many volunteers they have successfully brought the island back to life. Geoff has posted some of the pictures I took while on the trip.

It was very heartening to see something that had actually worked and was doing well after two days of very intense (and somewhat disheartening) lecturing. By yesterday evening, I couldn't help but feel that men were a blight upon the earth, all of his practices bad and inherently damaging to the earth from which we were spawned. I had to rationally talk myself through the arguments and logic of our faith in a loving God who actively created us and gave us in a certain place within creation. I have been feeling desperate for a Catholic response and input on the environmental issues that have been raised. I found a number of very good articles on the Zenit website (searching under 'ecology' brings up numerous good articles that every Catholic should read).
I was ideally looking for a moral/ethical response to the arguments for population control that I could use in the discussion portion of class tomorrow (faith based arguments holding little water for a basically atheistic crowd). I've read numerous articles for this class from a range of scientific journals saying that voluntary population control is necessary in order to enable future generations to enjoy life at the current standard of living. No one (including myself thus far...) has questioned this conclusion. (Somehow, despite having spent four year supposedly debating and challenging the conclusions presented in the texts I feel very unsure questioning the material in my new scholarly environment...) I don't feel like I know enough or have anything scientifically significant to present as a counter argument. I have moral arguments against the conclusions the that are being drawn from the science but no alternate science evidence to back up those moral arguments. It's all very well to say that something is wrong and is not an acceptable solution, but when I have nothing to suggest as an alternative...

Somewhat relatedly, I've nearly finished reading Slim's wedding gift: Happy are You Poor: The simple life and spiritual freedom by Fr. Thomas Dubay. It is wonderful - simple, clear, from first principles, practical, and realistic. I highly recommend it for anyone seeking to live the Gospel more deeply (ie everyone). Relating this to the above, this is a beautiful solution to the potential global shortage of resources so feared by all of those scientists I've been reading. If we all lived a sparing-sharing life (the term Fr. Dubay gives to the factual poverty advocated in the Gospel) then we would be using significantly less of the earth's resources and it would be able to be developed in a more sustainable manner.

*sigh*

why are there no simple answers in life?

...signing off

2008-03-06T02:35:00.002-06:00

class tomorrow morning - first of the semester. i was excited a few days ago, but right now i am at the tired and nearly overloaded point that tell's me i am actually back in school...

my my how little things actually change.

...signing off.

2008-03-02T00:16:00.002-06:00

sunlight is filling our small room, unhampered by the rain and street be-grimed window. it has been heavily over cast all day; but now the winds have changed and the evening sky is filled with setting sunlight. the windows are open in the flat across the alley welcoming in the cool air brought by the breeze. in their reflection i can see a lone pine tree somewhere off behind my own building or across the motorway.

...

the sun is gone now; the sky a faint blue accented with sunset colour stained clouds. perhaps it will be clear tomorrow there are fewer clouds now than there were half an hour ago.

our building is full of people from all over the world. the chap across the hall is from Zimbabwe. around the corner are fellows from Korea (Seoul), China (Beijing), and Canada (Calgary). the fellow next to the stairs is from Bulgaria. whatever else i could say about the place it has been good for meeting people from around the world and getting a feel for how others see America. it's not all bad. one of the first questions asked is "why would you want to leave America?" often the next question is our opinion on the presidential campaign. the first is easy to answer: to see the world (or at least some more of it). the second is not so easy and a little embarrassing. neither of us has really been following the campaigns so giving even half decently informed opinions has been rather difficult. (by way of excuse for this lack of attention to civic duty, we were living in DC the most politic'ted city in the country where the campaigning began a-way back in the middle of last summer nearly a year and a half before the actual election... and we were planning a wedding and two long distance moves...) so i've been trying to keep a bit more on top of things now that there is a bit of distance between us and the politics.

...

dark outside now. i'd really like something sweet. mmm, or a cup of good coffee (which is not hard to find in this city)...
guess i'll get another glass of water and read for a bit...

signing off...

2008-02-29T21:44:00.003-06:00

i am avoiding...

you see, if i keep busy with lots of little things i can avoid the unpleasantness of writing up and polishing my CV (variation on the theme of a resume). which means i in turn also avoid the unpleasant uncertain sensation that accompanies searching for a job and the nervousness of job interviews. i can also avoid thinking about shrinking account balances, falling exchange rates and the generally higher cost of living here in the city (caused somewhat by our government's shortsighted and selfish policies).

but you see, it is rather hard to keep busy when the room is tidy and supper is already started (there are only so many times you can go check on a pot in the other room) and the inbox has been checked for the third time...

which inevitably brings me back to the conclusion that i have been avoiding: i need a job.

hmmm, i think i'll go and check on that pot one more time...

2008-02-29T18:21:00.002-06:00

something about the weather on the weekends here... it is raining for the second weekend in a row. folks keep asking us when we arrived and then saying what a beautiful summer they just had. and it's windy - downright blustery. our window keeps swinging itself shut leaving us without fresh air in our damp-ish, badly ventilated room.
yesterday was beautiful - sunny, warm. there was a breeze but the wind itself was busy hauling the large over stuffed clouds away to the northwest. we walked up to one of the neighbourhoods in which we are thinking about looking for a place to live. it is a hip borough with lots of off beat shops and cafes. kiwis do two things far more than their american counterparts: drink coffee and smoke. and most of the cafes are also licensed bars. so the three most common addictive substances are readily available on nearly every corner... (sorry a little post-modern angst coming out there...)

signing off...

2008-02-27T03:42:00.002-06:00

i've come to the conclusion that i ought to be making more use of this page being so far away and all... and i've been wanting to write more but making the excuse that "nothing comes"... but if i make myself actually sit down and at the very least describe something about the day, even if is just to say something about the noise or a funny smell or odd people we're now living with, it will be more that what i've been doing recently (which being nothing would of course me more...)

...
so
...

we just got back from a three day field trip up to the Northland region of NZ. it's been an intense three days; lots of driving and lots of talking. mostly talk about environmental issues, but also just random stuff amongst the people in my program. i found myself becoming more and more quiet as other people talked more and more. perhaps i innately feel that there must be an equilibrium of noise in a given volume of space/air. the Northland is beautiful - rolling hills and forest (native bush, pine for harvesting, and everything in between). it's not the image drawn to mind by LOTR, and i'm glad we saw the Northland before going down to the south island. i was able to fall in love with this and appreciate it for itself without trying to make comparisons to "the movie." see Geoffrey's page for pictures

on coming back to our flat i made the very pleasant discovery that our small refrigerator had died sometime while we'd been gone. fortunately we'd only just moved in and hadn't done much by way of shopping. we lost a jug of milk that was nearly full, but i think the eggs are still good (people here don't refrigerate their eggs anyhow...) and the rest was fruits and vegetables. i guess it's a matter of being thankful for small blessings.

i'll save descriptions of the flat for some story to warrant it... off to fold laundry...

2008-01-21T16:48:00.000-06:00

I'm an auntie!!!!!

see nephew, sister and brother-in-law here...

2008-01-18T15:57:00.000-06:00

I have come again to the Hill House. The Sprite and her Sage Husband have made it a place of love and warmth, good scents and lovely sounds. I would be content to fall into the roll of invisible housekeeper - taking care of the little things they didn't notice needed to be done. But there are very many things I need to do and the weight of them is nearly stealing away my breath...

~ ~ ~

We have come very very far. And our journey is still only part way done. We have seen cities and deserts, mountains and valleys, wealth and squalor of many sorts. We had hours of conversation, of music, of wind, of silence.
It seems hard to believe that a week ago we were still at home...

...there are pictures on Geoffrey's page.

2008-01-06T12:43:00.001-06:00

there is a little red oak tree in the backyard. most of the leaves have fallen - taken away by the wind and turned brown by the sun. but there are a few, perhaps a dozen perhaps a score - bright red, scarlet, the color of rich blood - still on the thin branches and twigs.

2007-12-22T08:21:00.001-06:00

In a speech Thursday at St. John Lateran, Nicolas Sarkozy said, "No one denies that the French system of laicism is a guarantee of liberty: liberty to believe or not; liberty to practice a religion and to change it; liberty to refuse to betray one's conscience with public practices; the liberty of parents to educate their children according to their beliefs; liberty from discrimination from government due to beliefs."

Sarkozy, who was at St. John Lateran to take the title of "honorary canon," traditionally bestowed on heads of the French state, said his country has changed a lot. "The French have greater differences in convictions than before," he said. "Now laicism presents itself as a necessity and an opportunity."

However, he added, "Secularism should not be a denial of the past. It does not have the power to sever France from its Christian roots. This has been tried. It shouldn't have been done."

Sarkozy met with the Pope at the Vatican on Thursday morning.

"Like Benedict XVI," he said, "I think a nation that ignores the ethical, spiritual and religious heritage of its history commits a crime against its culture, against the whole of its history, patrimony, art and popular traditions, which permeate living and thinking in such a deep way."

The president added: "To uproot is to lose meaning; it is to weaken the foundation of national identity, and to drain even more the social relationships that have such a need of memorable symbols.

"For this reason, we have to join the two ends of the chain: to accept the Christian roots of France -- even better, to value them, to defend the laicism that finally reaches maturity. This is the step I want to take this afternoon in St. John Lateran."

"I am calling for a positive laicism," he said, "that is to say, a secularism that watches over freedom of thought, of belief and unbelief, does not consider religion as a danger, but as an asset."

2007-12-10T19:59:00.000-06:00

so I've updated my template - I don't know if it's all that noticeable. I'll probably make it a work in progress and play with it for a while. meanwhile I'll play with photos using picasa2 (yay free downloads) and post lots of stuff on my photo page...

2007-12-05T13:08:00.000-06:00

snow is falling again - it's slowly been falling all day. it is dampish snow and i am somewhat afeared that it will freeze over night and make the roads hellish.

but for now it is simply and utterly beautiful. everything curves - the tree branches, the mounds collected on the holly leaves, the sinks where the leaves are fallen on th ground.
they are saying that it is likely to be gone tomorrow but i don't care. it is beautiful now and now is where i am.

2007-12-05T12:48:00.000-06:00

I just got thank-you letters from an entire second grade class. I'd taken their class on a nature walk back in October - I actually don't quite remember doing it - and something must have made and impression (on the teachers at least...).
hmmm, I'll have to go and look the date up to see if it was just me or if I'd only helped... it would be a shame to take all of the credit.

in other news - paper cuts are a pain.

2007-12-04T12:49:00.000-06:00

leaf blowing: one of the greatest exercises in futility that i have ever encountered.

they are blowing leaves off the roof and from around the building - again. this is the weather report. but as the man said "job security - they pay the same each time!"

there is something broken in our government...and i don't know if it can be fixed.

2007-12-04T11:52:00.000-06:00

first snow!!!

it was just a light dusting but it did come down. and we're supposed to be getting more tonight and tomorrow...

...snow...

2007-12-02T18:47:00.000-06:00

well, i had wanted to say something...

in other news - my computer hard drive is nearly full. it took longer than i thought it would though - nearly three years.
i really need to just dump stuff onto my external hard drive...

*thinking*

no time like the present...
it's saying that this is going to take a while... 15 mins remaining.

i downloaded picasa2 so that i could play with my pictures on my own computer. i need to figure out how i can resize the files - they are unwieldy when they come off my camera... is there something better out there for me to pick up for free?

i'll come back and ramble in a bit...

2007-12-01T13:41:00.000-06:00

so i've added two more links... chaps i found while doing some research on the community gardens here in the park. the odd thing is they are in the UK and i'm in DC. but they write well and seem to be living the sort of modern globally and environmentally concious farmstead life that i would one day like very much to have...

so i thought i'd share...

the one rub is that the wizard is rather pagan...this makes reading rather interesting sometimes- leaving one with a feeling of "if he only know the whole of it..."

2007-11-23T15:00:00.000-06:00

i've put up a new page for photographs... it has lots of color... and even a few pictures... more will be forthcoming...
see "photos" link in sidebar for more details

2007-11-23T13:44:00.000-06:00

so i cleaned up my links... but i didn't have the heart to get rid of a couple of them so they've been filed under the heading of "maybe something new..."
i've thought about giving the whole thing an overhaul - i really like toque's and tasik's new pages... but i'm kinda sentimentally attached to this one... perhaps i'll wait until i learn enough to design it entirely on my own and then up it up...

yesterday's winds have stripped many of the trees and now there are drifts, great big ones, of leaves everywhere... the winds here sound different from the winds in socal...less big. not small, but having less magnitude. they say less. perhaps they are too busy taking the leaves off of the trees and moving them up and down streets and back onto people's lawns to be having conversations or carrying tales and messages. or maybe they are distracted by having to move through so many buildings...

2007-11-21T14:12:00.000-06:00

my cell phone is making the pathetic noises that dying phones make, an ironic counterpoint to the bouncy happy folk music coming out of my computer speakers...

"there's a car on fire down at 13"
"really?!"

sirens echo off the valley rises and up the streets coming closer. i watch as the flames licking the hood of the car and the open doors are doused with water. they are very efficient these firefighters. in seconds all that is coming from the car is white smoke drifting away on the light breeze.

2007-11-21T13:41:00.000-06:00

words fall as so many leaves
stripped from the trees by the careless fingers
of the east wind.
they drift along the lanes of my mind
gather in great heaps
ready for the bagging of conversation
or the burning onto paper with pen or pencil.
and yet they remain
scattered in heaps - unspoke - unwrit
to be kicked and scattered again
by whim or passion's unruly progeny
until, ground down beyond recognition,
the what of them is gone
leaving only an
"i was thinking..."

intensity

2007-10-23T21:27:00.001-05:00

2007-10-16T14:39:00.000-05:00

my brains feel like they are slowly trying to pour out from behind my eyes - the florescent lighting in the office is pressing down on my eyes which makes me want to close them so that my brains will stay in my head.

...now where was i with this education program outline...

i really don't want to be sitting at the computer any more

2007-10-15T20:53:00.001-05:00

the tv is on in the next room but i don't think there is anyone watching it... just as well tv is evil... i have killed evil tv

i am tired and feeling very drained...physically and monetarily... i spent hours at the mall (mall is evil too) wedding shoe shopping. the worst of it was that i was suckered into buying insanely expensive tea in ridiculously large quantities ... after the first thrill of finding really good loose leaf tea wore off the reality of having spent a large portion of my small paycheck began to settle in...(this is the worst because i love tea and feeling bad about spending money at tea is not happy) *sigh* oh well tea is tea and it will be good and i will be able to share because i had to buy so much...

but now the weepies and kin are on pandora and and i have friendly glass of pinot noir beside me and lover in next room so life is looking better...

i did manage to find shoes. they are not really what i was looking for but they will do and they might even be high enough that i won't have to get dress hemmed... that would be good... i need to figure this out...perhaps i will do this when i go home tonight... guys have it so easy - all they have to do is go to a tux shop and find the right size. end of story. but the shoes put me one step closer to accomplishing my oct goal: my dress. still need to check on length and get bodice to fit...

next month's big goals are invitations and marriage prep.

i have list of things to do while in cali later this week:
-talk to caterer and figure out budget and menu
-talk to girlfriend (helen) doing flowers
-talk to dj (raab) for reception
-talk to hotel people (spi and bm) for guests
-see church hall for reception
-talk to choir director (john) about musics
-photo mission and hall
-see peoples!!!! (most important)
...but i really need to get all of the other things done too...without being arrested for grand theft auto... this might pose a challenge...

my da is getting married...everything is changing and feels so different... i feel different to myself... i'm not sure what to make of it all...

2007-10-05T15:43:00.000-05:00

when i first stumbled upon these electronic pages they were as entrancing as any of my favorite books. one theme ran through them more frequently than others: that of wanting to leave, to just go somewhere anywhere, not here. at times i sympathized, sharing the author's frustration and cabin fever. sometimes i remonstrated saying that there was always something beautiful to be found around you where ever you were - it was just a matter of knowing how to look. and there were times it was my page that was bleeding the desire to fly, to have done and be gone.

i've lost track of everyone for a while making the excuse that things were busy or that the net connection was too slow or that i was trying to "get out and live in the real world". but that gives the lie to why i started writing in the first place...
i've begun again to read these pages again and the same themes are threading in and out between the lines on the screen. the desire for change. and now i look and see and know that desire and i am helpless.

i am so very far away - i feel so very far away.